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Characters:   Rachel Blake · Alvar Hanso · Thomas Mittelwerk · DJ Dan · William Kilpatrick · W. Malick · Other...
Themes: Hanso Foundation · DHARMA · Valenzetti Equation · Sri Lanka Video · Apollo Candy · Other...

A transcript is a retrospective written record of dialogue, and like a script (a prospective record) may include other scene information such as props or actions. In the case of a transcript of a film or television episode, ideally it is a verbatim record. Because closed-captioning is usually written separately, its text may have errors and does not necessarily reflect the true Canonical transcript.

Disclaimer: These transcripts are intended for educational and promotional purposes only, and may not be reproduced commercially without permission from ABC. They represent one viewer's secondhand experience of ABC's LOST (executive producers J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof), and have no connection with ABC television or its affiliates.

Transcript of DJ Dan Live Broadcast from September 24

Broken into segments for ease of editing

Segment 1

(DJ Dan Jingle)

Johnny: Coming to you live from the final prediction of Nostradamus, it's DJ Dan, shutting down the man.

Dan: Not just shutting down the man, Johnny...

Johnny: Y-yes?

Dan: I said, not just shutting down the man...

Johnny: I heard you the first time, DJ Dan...why are you staring at me? Okay, fine. Music please. Coming to you live...

(DJ Dan Jingle)

Johnny: ...from the prediction predicted to follow the final prediction of Nostradamus, it's DJ Dan, shutting down the man - special edition!

Dan: That's right Tonya, special edition - I'm feeling special!

Johnny: Special.

Dan: I'm feeling like I'm drinking lemonade on a Slip 'n Slide through one of those twisty straws they had when you were a kid. Tonya?

Tonya: And you were in your thirties.

Dan: (Laughs) Tonya, that was a freebie Ton', next crack's gonna come out of your check.

Tonya: Ha, I get a check?

Dan: Oh, Tonya. You know the straws I'm talking about Tonya, the ones that wrap around you like sunglasses, cooling and refreshing you even before your drink reaches your parched palette, and makes you wanna SING!

Tonya: Oh Lord.

Dan: I said, makes you wanna sing in your mellifluous, flowing baritone voice.

Johnny: Not good.

Dan: All right, all right, all right, maybe the soothing sounds of my golden voice aren't what the people need right now, after all, I'm here to incite! Can I have an Amen?

All: Amen!

Dan: Can I get a witness?

Someone: Yee-hoo!

Dan: Back to topic...

Johnny: Witness.

Dan: I know you're all wondering, what makes tonight's show so special? What could it be? Tonya, do you have a guess?

Tonya: Uh, Pluto's demotion to dwarf planet?

Dan: Tonya, enough with the dwarf planet stuff, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it's a conspiracy, wrapped in a hoax, perpetuated by the man. Anyone worth his frozen sea salt knows that Pluto is neither a planet, a dwarf planet, or a little planet or a guh-nome planet. It's a sentry base station conveniently dropped into orbit by the Prosleans from Alpha Centauri. And Lords of Cobol help us; when that power coupling between said base station and the so-called "Moon" is repaired and the Prosleans spot our juicy blue backyard...ha ha. But once again, could you possibly guess what kind of special guest would make the show so very special?

Tonya: Uh, Ralph Macchio timewarped in from 1984.

Dan: WRONG! JOHNNY, sweep the leg. Conspiraspies, many of you already know, but for those of you who don't, we have Rachel Blake, I'll say it again, Rachel Blake, no, Johnny's gonna say it, Johnny-

Johnny: Rachel Blake! Ahh. Persephone.

Dan: Ahh, conspiraspy of the year, a hacker extroidanaire, videographer of vigilance, the painter of life, no wait, that's Thomas Kinkade...(laughing in background)..uh, the light of my life, my PYT, my bride-to-be, a crusader against the unspeakable evils of my arch nemesis...

Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.

Dan: Rachel Blake folks, I don't know where she is, but she'll be here live tonight to answer the questions we've been dying to ask. Questions like "What is the deal with Alvar Hanso's beard?" Are those stylish hair follicles in fact made of weapons grade plutonium? Only Rachel knows. She's gonna be calling in later tonight; I don't know when, stay tuned, right here on RadioHarvest.com. I can't wait. But, why don't we go ahead and start off the show with a little segment that I like to call...

Johnny: Conspiraspies in the news.

Dan: Ahhh, yes. Tonya, can I have the first headline please?

Tonya: Bo- Begorrah: Leprechaun theme park for Jackson.

Johnny: Aye, Begorrah.

Tonya: (Laughs) Looks like Michael Jackson has taken a liking to the wee folk of Ireland. The Thriller singer who left the U.S. for the Mid-East following his aquittal on sex charges has been spending time on the Emerald Isle recently and is looking into buying an estate there, possibly a castle, according to reports. What's more, he's supposedly interested in opening up a leprechaun-inspired theme park.

Dan: CONSPIRACY! For starters, enough with the theme parks. You want a theme park, pal? Pull back that veil and try the "Man in the Mirror." Ah ha ha ha ha, but back to the conspiracy, folks. Now folks, I've been talking about this for years. But has anyone else noticed in Michael Jackson's videos and movies - rainbows everywhere. What is the deal? The cover of "Moonwalker," rainbow. "Captain EO," spreading the rainbows! And why Johnny? Johnny?

Johnny: Leprechauns?

Dan: Leprechauns!

Johnny: Leprechauns!

Dan: Leprechauns. Jacko is in bed with the leprechauns, no pun intended. How else do you think he does that move, that move, the lean? Come on folks, I tried it once and you know what they called it? The fall. NEXT!

Tonya: Gurnee, Illinois, from the AP. Why wait in line when you can just eat a cockroach? That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking thrill seekers during the Halloween-themed Fright Fest. The amusement park is daring customers to eat a live, Madagascar hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.

Dan: All right, SCAM! Scam scam scam scam scam scam scam. This is not the first time, the first one the roaches have tried to pull on us, folks. Conspiraspies, if you know anything about roaches, you'll know that no matter how much you chew, how much you stomp, you just can't kill them. It's impossible, they can't die. They are the oldest things on the planet. Older than dirt, older than water, older than gravity. Why do you think the dinosaurs died out? Don't eat the roaches people. That's what they want, a way in! I'm afraid pretty soon you'll be seeing a seventh flag flying in Gurnee, that's right. The twisted flag of the roach e- Johnny, could I have an Imperial March here for a second?

Johnny: Eh, uh, yes... (Sings the Imperial March). -is this the one?

Dan: The twisted flag of the roach empire! Ah.

Johnny: (Continues the Imperial March)

Dan: (Falsetto) Ah! (Continues in normal voice) Very good. NEXT! Next headline.

Tonya: Power companies give squirrels a jolt.

Dan: Whoo-hoo!

Tonya: Allentown, Pennsylvania from the AP. Shocking news - squirrels and power lines don't mix. The coup of pesky rodents are a leading cause of unplanned outages. They chew through power lines, fry themselves by completing electrical circuits and generally wreak havoc on power grids. The "Zap Shield" is an $11 polymer disk that arrived on the market some three years ago, and delivers a non-lethal electrostatic jolt to any varmint touching it.

Dan: VARMINT! Hoax, hoax, folks, folks - this one's serious. I just want you all to sit down, here. Sit down if you're standing up, please. Mom, that's right. We all know that gamma rays do some pretty awful things, man. We know what it did to Bruce Banner. That's right. They turned him into Lou Ferrigno. Bill Bixby - gamma rays - Lou Ferrigno. And I'll be the first to tell you, for squirrel DNA, it don't take that much. That's right. We're gonna have the furry, flying, killer green death machines chomping at our THROATS! I say caveat squirellus, my friends. Better a dead squirrel than a deadly, super squirrel. Don't say DJ Dan didn't warn you. Next headline, Tonya.


Tonya: Phone telepathy, you knew it was true. Norwich, England - Reuters. Many people have experienced the phenomenon of receiving a telephone call from someone shortly after thinking about them. Now a scientist says he has proof of what he calls telephone telepathy. Rupert Sheldrake whose research is funded by the respected Trinity College of Cambridge said on Tuesday he had c-con-condu, excuse me, conducted experiments that proved that such-

Dan: All right, all right, all right, scam scam scam scam scam. Folks, I get it, I get it. You're, you're saying "Whoa, what is this about-face? Is DJ Dan refuting telepathy?" But I'm not! I'm not refuting telepathy. What I'm saying is any study done by a guy named Rupert is obviously tainted. Tonya, wasn't Rupert Sheldrake the name of the character that Fred MacMurray played in The Apartment?"

Tonya: Really?

Dan: Yeah! Absolutely it's false, it's a scam, and I'm shutting it down. We all know this, we grew up learning this. It's a scientific fact that Ruperts receive 90% of their phone calls from their mothers. That ain't telepathy folks. Rupert sat by the phone, thought "Mom" and then "Oh my God! A call from MOM! And my name is RUPERT!" That's right Rupert -

Johnny: Rupert Sheldrake.

Tonya: Aww.

Dan: That's right, Rupert Sheldrake, "Hi Rupert, it's mom! Did you eat your beans today?" This ain't telepathy folks, it's CREEPY! It's creepy, but it ain't telepathy. Ah, give me another, give me another headline Tonya, I'm sick of this Rupert.

Tonya: Shanghai: It's a big pyjama party. Shanghai - Reuters. People wearing pyjamas in public, still a common sight in Shanghai, is one of the most irritating aspects of life in China's biggest city.

Dan: (Repeating "pyjama" in a sing-song voice.)

Tonya: According to an opinion poll-

Dan: Ahhh, conspiracy, conspiracy. You wanna know what's going on in Shanghai? Two words - pod people. NEXT!

Tonya: The Lost Experience ends September 24th. The multi-platform interactive phenomenon "the Lost Experience," will come to a climactic close on September 24th with a live, worldwide radio Internet broadcast hosted by the renegade DJ Dan.

Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, read me a little more, what's it say there, what does it say there?

Tonya: It says that you are hosting-

Dan: Oh my God, you know Tonya, you know Tonya, this really bothers me. Every day for the past five months I have had to get up in the morning and stare at headlines calling my life a work of fiction. And just listen to this ball of lies they're chucking at our heads on the famed geek-out Internet site, the Lostpedia. That's right, it's a wiki-wiki site.

(The Lost title music plays in the backround)

Dan: "A character in the Lost Experience, DJ Dan hosts a podcast about various subjects relating to the experience, including the Hanso Foundation and its many projects." Oh, it goes on! According to this, we're all characters. Every one of us sitting in this room, apparently created by some screenwriter named Josen- Jordan Rosenheimer, and that yippin' yappin'-

Johnny: Ya, da da da da da da da.

Dan: -and that yippin' yappin' son of a nerfhearder, Javier Grillo-Marxuach (intentionally mispronounces). I mean, have you seen this guy? He's some sort of half-man, half-bear creature with those beady eyes and that high, tin-pot voice. I have half a mind to make him... Johnny, I need it, give it to me.

Johnny: Eh, uh, give you what? Oh! OH! That. The mythical beastie of the day.

Dan: Yeah, take that, Marxuach. But I'll come back to that. Because Tonya, you know what this does to me?

Tonya: Oh no.

Dan: You know how this makes me feel?

Tonya: Please, Dan, spare us.

Dan: The voices are dancing in my head and I gotta, I need to, I need to just-

Johnny: Let it out!

Dan: Don't you get it people? The Lost Experience is a hoax, a conspiracy, and a scam all rolled up into one. These small-minded people, these executives, and executive producers, and non-writing executive producers, and writing executive producers, and directing producers, and supervising producers, and co-producers - they have the gall to believe that they can put one over on you and me, the consumer. They have the sheer contempt to believe all it takes to hide the truth about their relationship with that nefarious organisation, that VW Bug full of evil clowns, the people I call my arch-nemeses...

Johnny: The Hanso Foundation.

Dan: They believe all it takes to hide the truth about their support for Thomas Mittelwerk and Alvar Hanso and all their evil schemes is to wrap it up in a pretty bow and call it, quote, The Lost Experience. Well I'm not gonna take it lying down conspiraspies, can't you see, it's slight of hand, it's the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, well folks, ABC has one-upped him and they gave him his own TV show. What better way to obscure the truth than to put it on TV? Nobody with half a brain believes anything they see on TV is real, right? Not even the reality shows! So of course my life, your life, Rachel Blake's life. And if that wasn't what they were relying on, if Lost isn't real, then the Lost Experience isn't real, right. And Rachel Blake isn't. And Hanso, and the foundation, and Mittelwerk, nor his plot to kill 30% of the human race. Well that's just fine and dandy, but it ain't the truth. It's about control, conspiraspies, the Merovingian had their number, they take, they-they take me, they take Rachel, and there we are, threatening their very existence, so they pull a Bobby Ewing, that's right. You wake up to find ABC and Lost standing in your shower, telling you that the fight you've been fighting, the evil you've been outing, it's all part of a game. It's just a fiction dreamed up by Javier Grillo-Marxuach and Jordan Rosencranch.

Tonya: Uh, Dan, I think it's Rosenberg.

Dan: Rosenheimer, Rosenbuck, Burkenshtock, it doesn't matter. If anyone is a figment of anyone's imagination it's this writer, this Jordan Rosenbaum.

Johnny: Burg... Steve!

Dan: Dreamed up by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. And like our good friend Rachel said, they should be ashamed. So now I guess anything in your life you want to pretend isn't real, you can just call it the Blank Experience, right? Like, I had a donut today, maybe it was just the Croner(?) Experience? It's not gonna show up in my butt tonight, no, not at all!

Tonya: Oh, Dan...

Dan: That exists in reality, right now. It's like saying "Hey, going to a Cubs game with Johnny, that exists in reality, but no, it's an experience, it's the Cut-Johnny-Off-by-the-Fifth-Inning Experience." And winning means Johnny can drive himself home.

Johnny: Clean and sober.

Dan: You see what I'm getting at? Life is not entertainment people. Life is life. The stakes are real. If the Hanso Foundation gets away with what it's doing, a third of my audience vanishes. Now I can hear you thinking it, conspiraspies: "DJ Dan, prove it. Prove to us that you're real." Well ask yourselves if I were truly a fictional character, an overweight fictional character such as I am with a professed love for powdered donuts, would I really have cut those bastards out of my diet? Would I? No! Because fictional characters don't worry about their fictional health. If I wasn't real, would I really settle for this home-delivered, fat-restricted, carb-counted, sugar-stripped, nasty, disgusting, wheatgerm, vulgar, parsley-filled (yeah I said parsley Tonya, and you know how I feel about parsley), starch-free, tasteless hockey puck of a diet plan?

Tonya: You love it.

Dan: So I can somehow convince my blushing, and now paling in revulsion, bride to look at me in my boxers without suppressing a giggle? If I wasn't real, would I not have cast two adorable, gorgeous child actors to play my kids? Would I, would they not have the eyes of Jack and the cheekbones of Sawyer? I can't even find their damn cheekbones! Reality, my friends, is pain, and worry, and struggle. But the struggle, my friends, the work, to free ourselves from the bonds of the man: that is our freedom, that is our joy, and there is no freedom in dillusion. There is no freedom on your couch, except for right now, I'm bringing the fight to your couch. I'm bringing the, quote, "Lost Experience," a.k.a. the HARSH TRUTH OF REALITY, to your doorstep. You know, a wiseman once said, "There's only one man wiser than I, and that man, is DJ Dan".

Johnny: And that man was me.

Dan: How can you argue with that?

Johnny: You can't.

Dan: Conspiraspies, we're here on RadioHarvest.com. The Hanso Foundation tried jamming us earlier today, we have thwarted them, we are on. We're going to come back, I'm gonna take your calls. I want to hear your thoughts, your rants, your raves. When we return, you're going to be on the line with me. Folks, it's time for a song about the Man.

("For What it's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield plays.)

Segment 2

Voice: Ten?

(DJ Dan Jingle)

Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspira-sub-spa-con-(laughing as he messes up). Can we do that again, DJ Dan?

Dan: Let's try that again now, try.

Johnny: Okay, here we go (cough, chuckle)...

(DJ Dan Jingle)

Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspiraspy, it's DJ Dan, shutting down the Man! And now, my good, close, personal friend, DJ Dan.

Dan: Yes, it wouldn't be a DJ Dan broadcast without at least one false start, would it, Johnny?

Johnny: Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, that was perfect!

Dan: (Laugh) Exactly... it was fantastic! And now, if you're hearing spooky music, you know what that spooking means, don't you?

(Everyone is making ghost sounds.)

Dan: Tonya, what do you think that music means?

Tonya: We got our budget cut again?

Dan: Yeah, it sure sounds like it, doesn't it, but no, one of these days, Tonya, to the dwarf moon of the dwarf planet Pluto - TO THE MOON OF PLUTO!

Johnny: The DWARF moon of Pluto!

Dan: Uh, yeah that's not it's name, it's Kay-ron or Kai-ron, or...

Johnny: Charon.

Dan: Or is it Shai-ron?

Johnny: Charbroiled.

Tonya: Doesn't it have a nickname?

Dan: Folks, folks, but let's not, let's not forget the topic here, the topic here is why are we hearing this incredibly mellifluous music?

Johnny: Oh oh, music. (Makes whiny ghost sounds.)

Dan: That can only mean it's time for our?

Johnny: Area 51 update.

Dan: That's right, conspiraspies, it's time to find out what's happening in Dreamland, Groom Lake, Watertown Strip. You may know it as Area 51, but any way you slice it, it's time to get old Marvin the Earthling on the line!

Johnny: He's walking into our studios now.

Dan: Uh, Marv?

Marvin: Hi, guys.

Dan: Uh, Marv...

Marvin: Uh, oh, you got a shoe rule? (Studio chuckling.) Oh, just, no, I'll just go ahead and take 'em off.

Dan: Marv, Marvin, what are you do-, what are you doing here? You can't leave Area 51 in the hands of the Man, man! I mean, they could be planning extraterrestrial landings and takeovers, and they could be turning the freakin' Mojave - uh, is it, is it the Mojave?

(Siren in the background.)

Marvin: Yeah, yeah it's the Mojave.

Dan: Ah, okay, ah, well, they could be turning it into a giant Zen rock garden, for all we know! They, they could be planning on taking out Vegas. Tonya, get Cirque de Soleil on the line, STAT!

Tonya: Do those people even talk?

Dan: Marvin, Marvin I'm busy here. Rachel Blake is going to be calling in in a few minutes and...

Marvin: Now, DJ, listen. No, no! But listen, wait. What I'm saying is, DJ Dan, is that, you know, what with the space-time continuum Quantum Leap Funka-II, and all the weird machines they got out there and everything, what, what I'm saying is what if I still am at Area 51 and here at the same time? And what if I'm about to be calling you right about...?

Tonya: Dan? We've got Marvin the Earthling on Line 4... Marvin, go...

Dan: No no no no, put him on shut down, SHUT DOWN! Haven't you people, has nobody here seen "Time Cop?" If Marvin there talks with Marvin here, then over the phone, we're talking massive rip in the space-time continuum, the kind you can't fix with a, with a Van Damme split!

Johnny: Rippidy-dippidy-doo!

Dan: Well, huge! Thank God we got that in order. Jeepers, it's like the entire show's falling apart. Marv, as long as you're here, we'd better keep you here. You, you got any radio skills?

Marvin: Uh, nope, but, uh, um, I am in fact an expert on "The Lost Experience".

Dan: A little something I like to call REALITY.

Marvin: Uh, right...right.

Dan: So-called Experience.

Marvin: So, look. If, if you don't mind, I'll just sit over here in the corner, um, as quiet as Shrodinger's Cat, and I will, uh, wait until my services are needed, DJ Dan.

Dan: Well, okay, that's what I'm saying, because Marvin the Earthling's an expert on this, if there's something I don't know, Marvin's going to know it, folks, so you just try and call us and we'll see what happens. Okay, so I'm going to be taking your calls in a few minutes, okay?

Marvin: Stump me.

Dan: Ah, so folks, uh, you know what, I'm ready to open, open up, open up the phone lines, ah, you know, I-I want to talk about, about this so-called "Experience," about the Hanso Foundation, or rather, as I like to call them, my arch nemeses...

Johnny: Oh, gi-gimme another second here!

Dan: Alright, folks, let's try that again...

Johnny: Hold on, hold on...

Dan: I'm going to talk about my arch nemeses...

Johnny: Hold on, hold on, hold on... Can I have ano-- God, the music...

Dan: Folks, we're gonna have the calls in here, folks. We're going to be talking about my arch nemeses:

Johnny: (Chuckle, then evil raspy voice) The Hanso Foundation...yeah!

Dan: Wow, that was a long road for that piece.

Johnny: It was the music, I had to have my music.

Dan: Folks, here's the thing, you've seen the video, what does it mean? When is Rachel planning on, on, on releasing the... W-when is Thomas Werner Mittelwerk planning on releasing that virus, okay? I want to know what's going on with that guy. Do the authorities know? I sent my completed version of that video to every government spook, stooge, official and non-official I know, so far, not a peep. Is Mittelwerk still running the joint? We haven't heard a thing from the Hanso Foundation since September 8th! Is Mittelwerk on the run? Is he right? What do you guys think? I mean, if it's true, we're all going to die in, say, 2012? You know, the Mayans predicted an apocalypse then, would it be, would it be the right thing to do to 86 30% of the population? Whatever's going on with this Mittelwerk creep, I don't like it, folks. I feel like Tom Skerritt in the Alien with the flamethrower, and you can see on the radar, the alien is getting closer and closer with the beeping and the booping and the beeping, and I don't like it. OHHHH Lord, folks! Somebody get me a brown paper bag! I'm going to take some calls, who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line 15, Idan from... (Disconnect signal on phone plays)

Dan: Ohh, Idan. We've lost Idan. Who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 14, Mike from New York.

Dan: Is this Mike from New York? You're on the air with DJ Dan.

Mike: Yeah, this is Mike from New York, how you guys doing?

Johnny: We, we have a call.

Dan: We have a call, ladies and gentlemen. Mike, we're doing great, ah, you know, we're just, ah running on Mountain Dew and Red Bull here. What are you running on?

Mike: I'm running pure spirit to shut down the Man.

Dan: Haha, excellent. So, so what can we do you for tonight, what do you want to talk about?

Mike: Um, well, I'm actually involved with this band, we're called the Abberlines.

Dan: The Abberlines?

Johnny: Shameless self-promotion.

Dan: That's right, yes. PLEASE use my airspace to promote your band! 'Cause that's what I live for.

Mike: Now, listen guys, our main message is, working to shut down the Man. What I need, I need a favor from you, DJ Dan.

Dan: You need a favor from me, what do you need there?

Mike: I need you guys to send out some DJ Dan T-shirts so that everyone who sees us knows what we're all about.

Dan: All right, you know what? I'm sorry, but this is way too commercial, even for me, as I drink my, uh, my-my Sprite, and drive home in my Jeep Compass. I'm going to have to shut you down, please talk to our screener. Thank you, good night, shut down! Next call, who do we have?

Tonya: Line 9, The Fox, from San Diego.

Dan: The Foooox... from San Diego.

The Fox: Hi!

Dan: Yes, hi, The Fox! How are you tonight, The Fox?

Johnny: (Laughing) Improper syntax.

The Fox: Hello, there. I'm doing pretty good, how's it going, Dan?

Dan: Well, so far so good. If you have a question, or some kind of music for me that'll serve as content, I'll be even better. Whatcha got?

The Fox: I've got a question. As you know, I've taken many pictures of the Hanso Foundation with my specially-made camera here...

Dan: Oh, really.

The Fox: Yeah. And for some reason, every time I do? They look like stick figures, and I'm not quite sure why.

Dan: SHUTDOWN! They look like stick figures, and you don't quite know why? I don't understand, what are you using, mammography? For the love of God! Get a real camera, get a digital ca--I thought I--wait a second, are you still on the air?

Johnny: We shut him down.

Dan: I hope we shut him down! I could hear The Fox!

Johnny: Would you like to shut him down again?

Dan: Let's shut him down again.

Johnny: Shutdown.

(Studio laughter)

Dan: Okay, The Fox, you're off the air. Okay gimme another, gimme another call. Are you still on the air, The Fox?

Johnny: Shut down not working.

Tonya: (Laughing)

Dan: Christ, the entire show has gone to Hell in a bucket! Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot shut down The Fox! Perhaps he's a goon of the Hanso Foundation. Let's have another call, who do we have?

Tonya: Line 13, Monte, from New York.

Dan: Monteeeeeeeeee! from New York. How you doin'.

Monte: Hi, is this DJ Dan?

Dan: Monte. You know last time, I shut you down very rudely.

Monte: No, you didn't.

Dan: I didn't? I shut down a Monte.

Monte: You said my name, and I was honored.

Dan: Oh, excellent. Oh, Monte, you, you are taking the expressway to my heart. What can I do for you tonight?

Monte: I have a question for you that appeals to the DJ side of your talent.

Dan: Excellent, excellent. A sadly underused side of my talent. Let's hear it.

Monte: All right. I, I, I'm dying to know, where I can get a copy of Geronimo Jackson's original album, "Magna Carta."

Dan: Well, you know, Geronimo Jackson, "Magna Carta" is almost as rare as Keith Strutter's original album for his band, the Kharma Imperitive, we all know this.

Monte: Yes, yes we do. You mentioned that on the last broadcast.

Dan: I believe that it's actually an incredibly rare pressing. I mean, I don't know how many records were actually put o-out of the original "Magna Carta." I mean there's, frankly, you know, I, I think, and, and I think we all know where at least one printing of that record is, am I right, Montay?

Monte: I-I trust you, DJ Dan, but I normally live in San Francisco and Haight Asbury cannot locate that album, I've tried!

Dan: I know Monte, but I don't know. I think when this entire thing with the Hanso Foundation has come to an appropriate conclusion, we're going to make it our life's mission to track down Geronimo Jackson, but until then? Monte, I'm going to have to shut you down.

Monte: DJ Dan? Ah.

Dan: You know, you're on, still on. Come on, say it!

Johnny: You're unshut.

Dan: No, we shut him down, he's gone.

Johnny: Oh, he's shut.

Dan: All right, uh, folks, you know what, um, but you know what, and now that we've taken a couple of calls, you know what, I'm going to take another call, I'm feeling generous tonight. Let's do another one, what do we got.

Tonya: Line 1, Mark from Toronto.

Dan: Mark from Toronto, what do we got for you. (Silence) Mark from Toronto? You're on the air with DJ Dan.

Tonya: Eh?

Dan: No? We don't have Mark from Toronto. Okay, let's get another call. Who do we have?

Tonya: Kyle, from Hudson, New Hampshire, Line 7.

Dan: Kyle, Kyle, Kyle XY! Oh wait, let's have another network.

Johnny: Ah, he's got a dreamy belly button, no, dreamy blue eyes.

Dan: No, that's right, he doesn't have a belly button, yes.

Johnny: Sans belly button.

Dan: Kyle, you're on the air with DJ Dan, what do you got to say to me. (Silence) Kyle? You're on the air. You got anything? Oh, Kyle, we've, we've made jokes about a TV show with your name, and you're not even there. Give me another call, who do we have.

Tonya: Line 14, Joe from Oregon.

Dan: Joe from Oregon. (Background talking) Joe? You're on the air with DJ Dan LIVE!

Johnny: Joe?

Dan: Well, Joe's family's having a big party listening to DJ Dan.

RxHector: Yeah, we're having a huge party.

Dan: Well, Joe, what can I do for you? I'm DJ Dan, you're Joe.

RxHector: Right on. This is Hector, and uh, we've got a special guest here to talk to you. DJ Lena has got some questions for you.

Dan: Well, let's hear the questions FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Johnny: He has his own guests.

Lena: Hello? Hello? (puts Lena on line)

Dan: Hello, Lena, how are you?

Lena: Hey Dan, what's up!

Dan: Not much, it'll get a lot better when you tell me what you got! I need content, come on. It's all greetings and schtick.

Lena: I was wondering if I could expose you.

Dan: Yes, you can expose me.

Johnny: OOO, please DO NOT.

(Studio laughter)

Johnny: Sitting right across from me.

Tonya: We do not want to see that!

Dan: We have kids in the studio, for the love of God. Whataya got for me?

Lena: (Laughs) Speaker told me, he passed the word along.

Dan: Well, what did Speaker tell you, about what word? I need to hear something from you, what's going on?

Tonya: Who's Speaker?

Lena: I think that you are full of bull myself. I think you wag the dog.

Dan: Uh I think I wag the--you think I wag the--You know what I wag? I wag the SHUTDOWN!

Johnny: Oh you uh, oh you want the shutdown.

Dan: I wag the, I wag NOTHING! Gimme another call!

Tonya: Chuck from Austin.

Dan: Chuck from Austin.

Tonya: Line 9.

Dan: Line 9, let's hear from Chuck. Chuck from Austin.

Chuck: (Horrible static feedback) Hey, DJ Dan.

Dan: WHOAHH, turn it down, buddy! Nice shootin there, Tex! Whatcha got?

Chuck: Whoah, a little loud over there. Hey, this is Chuck from Austin over here.

Dan: Hi Chuck from Austin.

Johnny: Actually his name.

Dan: Yes, let's here it, whatcha got for me. (Silence) Chuck? Chuck? Did we cut Chuck--Chuck?

Tonya: Chuuuck...

Johnny: Let's get an ambulence over there.

(Ambulence sound)

Dan: Oh my God, oh God, they got Chuck! The Hanso Foundation got Chuck! I didn't even shut this guy down!

Johnny: Go ahead.

Dan: Okay, screeners, if Chuck calls again, I need to talk to Chuck, I want to know what Chuck from Austin had to say. But folks, you know, these calls only lead me to one thing. I'd like to talk to you something about this. They're creamy, they're chocalicious, they're full of messages from Rachel Blake. But if you're like me, Conspiraspies, you know that somewhere in the back of your minds, that something's just not right with scarfing down four Apollo bars in 26 seconds. I mean, even I know when I've crossed the line. And the reason? Hidden addictive substances. Mind control substances not listed in the, in the wrapper of your Apollo bar. That's right, folks. It's time for a little something that I like to call:

(Bugle sound)

Johnny: Top Five Mind Control Substances in the Apollo Bar.

Dan: That's right, folks. Things that are not listed. We looked at some, ah, some reports, we did some analyses, folks, and we got our resident PhD, Louis, to analyse a simulated Apollo chocolate, he's also our roadie, and you'll never believe some of the ingredients he found. LYMON. Number 5, Lymon. No surprise here. Lymon, practically invented by the Apollo Candy Company. It is a conspiracy by the Hanso Foundation. Those of you who have been following the work of Dr. Hackett, remember, he split from over a Lymon-related dispute with Dr. Mittelwerk. Number 4:

Johnny: Xanthum gum.

Dan: I KNEW IT. I don't know what this is, I don't know what it does, it might be an emulsifier, it might be a viscosifier. You ask me, it sounds like something out of a Pierce Anthony novel. Lord knows the man likes to write about mind control. Number 3:

Johnny: Parsley.

Dan: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! It can't be! Tonya, you put parsley on the list! You know how I feel about parsley! Louis, was there anything worse, Louis?

Tonya: (Laughs) Maybe it was Jordan Rosenberg.

Dan: Rosenheimer. Number 2, now this makes sense, all the sense in the world:

Tonya: -berg.

Johnny: Donut extract.

Dan: Very addictive. I, I, I should know.. but on the plus side, recent studies show that donut extract cures baldness.

Johnny: DJ Dan was in the control group.

(All laughing)

Dan: Oh, shut up. Oh, finally, I don't know how they did it, I don't know why they did it, but somewhere between my 3rd and 4th bars, I couldn't shake the feeling that old Jamie Farr was dancing around in my head. That's right, the most prevelant secret mind control ingredient in the Apollo bar is: Season One of M*A*S*H! I'll hand it to those evil Hanso scientists, they're good! If you don't believe me, just try it yourself. Take a bite of your Apollo bar right now, and tell me you don't see Clinger in drag. You can't. You CAN'T! Folks, we're going to go to another song about the Man right now, we'll be back in a few.

("Trampled Under Foot" by Led Zeppelin plays)

Segment 3

Voice: ...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0. Ignition. Liftoff!


(DJ Dan Jingle)

Johnny: Haha. From the destroyed fourth wall, it's DJ Dan, shutting down the Man! And now here he is, DJ Dan.

Dan: We have all seen the Sri Lanka video, some of us spent weeks trying to put that little sucker together. We've all seen the lecture that Mittelwerk gave. We know all about The Numbers and the Valenzetti Equation. Johnny's been getting a lot of e-mails, a lot of frantic messages, so has Tonya...

Johnny: Keep 'em coming.

Dan: Ah, you know what, everybody wants to know one thing. They want to know, "What should I do if I encounter the Numbers?" Folks! First of all, do not put the Numbers in a song, a rap or a mashup. Fenris! My eyes are on you! You should know by now the Numbers are sensitive! All you'll do is enrage them and remind them how they were cut off from the first round of American Idol tryouts last year! I mean, when the only good thing that Paula can say is she likes your choice of bowler and spats, then perhaps you should continue your day job as a representational string of values, representing the core environmental and human factors in the Valenzetti Equation, ooo that's gotta be a blow. Folks, number two. Do not ask for a photograph! Do not ask for an autograph. If you're going to compliment them, don't just walk up and talk about the Numbers' early work. And by all means, do not talk about 23's gambling problem. That's between 23 and 42. Three: If they're in a fortune cookie, do NOT eat the cookie! In fact, you may want to reconsider the whole meal. I'm talking Ipecac, people.

Johnny: Ipecac.

Dan: That's, you know, that's what I'm saying. You can't be too careful. If you find the Numbers in a fortune cookie, folks, that meal's a rental not a purchase, if you know what I'm saying. Number four, if you're a freshman in high school and the Numbers just happen to be your locker combination, transfer! You're in for a world of swirlies, my little friend. You're on the express train to Farmer Ted country.

(Studio chuckling)

Dan: And if you're a senior, and the freshman whose locker you decided to steal and use for your own has a combination that's the Numbers, pick a different kid, okay? You're about to become checked, if you know what I'm saying. And five, if you happen to see these numbers appear on a receipt for your signature, do NOT sign it! Whatever it was you bought, return it! Run out of the store screaming. And if it was a meal?

Johnny: Er, uh, if it's a meal?

Dan: Yes, Ipecac!

Johnny: Ipecac. Oh, Ipecac.

Dan: It's only Johnny's favorite word. What is that word, Johnny?

Johnny: Ipecac.

Dan: Thaaat's right. Little known -

Johnny: DJ Dan? I wasn't paying attention.

Dan: Hu-hu-ho! What a surprise.

(Studio laughter)

Dan: Little known fact. Meals prepared with Numbers have been scientifically proven to contain near fatal levels of Riboflavin. And finally? If you encounter the Numbers on a broadcast telling you what to do if you encounter the Numbers, you have only one alternative: open your window, right now and SHOUT IT INTO THE NIGHT! CONSPIRASPIES UNITE! THAT'S RIGHT! I WANT YOU TO GO TO YOUR WINDOWS, I WANT YOU TO OPEN THOSE WINDOWS, I WANT YOU TO STICK YOUR HEAD OUT, I WANT YOU TO SAY "MAN, MY LIFE HAS VALUE!" I WANT YOU TO SAY, "CONSPIRASPIES UNITE!" THEN WE'LL DEAL WITH THE GOVERNMENT! THEN WE'LL DEAL WITH THE TELEVISION, BUT FIRST, YOU'VE GOT TO GET MAD! YOU'VE GOT TO GO OUT, YOU'VE GOT TO GO OUT AND OPEN THE WINDOW AND SHOUT "CONSPIRASPIES UNITE!"

All: Conspiraspies unite!

Tonya: Unite!

Dan: Conspiraspies unite!

Johnny: Plagerized concept.

Dan: Ohhh my God, folks. I swear, that Howard Beale is a guru, he's a life coach to me. You know what folks? Now that I've yelled at like that at you, I feel like I need a little bit of what we in the business refer to as "vocal rest." So, what are we going to do? There's a little segment here that I like to call...

Johnny: Johnny Recaps the Lost Experience.

Dan: That's right, folks, while I go guzzle down a little more Red Bull, I feel that some of you may not entirely know what's been going on in reality, a.k.a. the Lost Experience, as those stooges at ABC will have you call it. That's right folks, so in order for you to catch up on what I'm talking about, Johnny, our very own announcer Johnny, who's more than a little hopped on up the Lagavulin, is going to recap the entire Experience for you. So folks, without further ado, Johnny? Take 'er away.

Johnny: Ah, Wednesday night. I wish DJ Dan would be nicer to me. Hey! Its my favorite show, Lost! A phone number? For the Hanso Foundation? I’d better dial it! Who are these strange people on these voice mails? Breaking strain! Persephone! Who is this girl? Wow, what a great website. Nice music, hi Joop! Hey, put away those teeth! My name is Johnny. Hey, look, the screen’s talking to me. Breaking strain, did I spell that right… Whoa! What’s happening to my screen? No, I refuse to believe these executives are corrupt. NOT YOU TOO, DICK CHEEVER!

Dan: Dick Cheever!

Johnny: Mittelwerk isn’t really a doctor? Hmm. The Vik Institute? Organ harvesting, and electromagnetic antenna? Maybe these Hanso people aren’t so good after all. SAVE JOOP, SAVE HIM! SAVE THAT MONKEY! Yeah, where IS Alvar? What’s that sound! Alarms? ALARMS! Persephone? Persephone, where ARE YOU? Hey, what a nice travel blog. Wait a minute. Is this Rachel Blake really Persephone? Yes, I would like some pizza! I’m hungry! Careful Rachel, oops! OOHH MAPS! Alvar Hanso’s grandfather? Captain of The Black Rock? HIDE RACHEL! HIDE, IN-IN THE CLOSET! NOT WITH THE IRON! Was that really necessary? Zander’s lying, don’t believe him. Hieroglyphics? Valenzetti? An exchange transfusion? That is gross. GidgetGirl was DARLA? Poor Darla! Gunshots, RUN! RUN! That’s right, use the glasses cam. I don’t like the dark. Was that a roach on the sink? The Helgus Antonius? Quarantine? Sri Lanka? The Spider Protocol? Hey, who’s that girl yelling at the Lost panel? She’s beautiful. Oh, oh, it’s Rachel! Hanso Exposed? Who is this Mr. Beardy fellow? It’s Alvar Hanso! Mittelwerk wants to kill us all! THE NUMBERS! AHH! AHH! Yes, yes, I would like an Apollo Bar. I love parsley.

Dan: Folks! That was the entire text of reality, also known as the Lost Experience, by none other than our very own, announcer Johnny.


Dan: And folks, we’re gonna give announcer Johnny a little bit of what I like to call “vocal rest”, that’s right, he’s going into a closet, we’re gonna put a warm towel around his aching throat. And while I do that I’m gonna take a couple of questions from DJ Dan’s mailbag. That’s right, let’s see what you got. Tonya, give me a question.

Tonya: From Kyle.

Dan: Ah Kyle. Kyle XY, with the dreamy blue eyes and no belly button. Yes.

Tonya: DJ Dan, just how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop -

Dan: 108. NEXT!

Tonya: Wow, really… Uh, DJ Dan, from Revjob.

Dan: Revjob! I had a Revjob earlier today, it was delightful. But we’re not gonna talk about that, yes, go ahead.

Tonya: My question is, who’s in the sights of your sawed-off journalist shotgun next? You and Rachel have already blown the Hanso Foundation out of the water, so who’s next on your hit list?

Dan: Blah, blah, blah. You-you wanna know who I'm going after if we take the Hanso Foundation down? I’ll tell ya who I’m gonna go after, the Children’s Television Workshop. That’s right, the CTW. You’ve all been hearing the rumours! Cookie Monster, my personal idol, the-the-the blue creature I worshipped for much of my adult and child life, is being turned into the Veggie Monster? In some kind of effort to get kids to eat more GMOs. Folks! C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. NEXT!

Tonya: From Bo Jangles.

Dan: BO! Jangles.

Tonya: DJ Dan, you rule!

Dan: Woo, well of course I do, thank you.

Tonya: Hahahaha…

Dan: Bo. May I call you, Bo.

Tonya: I can’t help but wonder what a genius like you might know about the mysteries of life. Lemme just ask, what is the meaning of life?

Dan: Ah, the meaning of life, well! Try to get in the good book now and then, ah, try and avoid fatty foods, and try together with people of all different races, creeds and colours. Ah, next.

Tonya: From Mr. Mulders.

Dan: Mr. Mulders.

Tonya: To the real ones, DJ Dan and Tonya. We’ve all been waiting, and now Rachel Blake promises to tell the whole truth about Hanso and…

Dan: That’s right folks. She’s gonna be here, she’s calling me. I’m telling you, I know this for a fact.

Tonya: But wait. What if Rachel is the Man. Are you tough enough to rip out your sugar-coated feelings and to shut her down?

Dan: Oh my God. Oh my God, this question is ripping the fabric of space time all around me. I don’t know what I would do if Rachel was the Man! Oh my god! Oh god! What do I… Children’s Television Workshop, I’m going after them, did I say that? Did I say that already, that’s what I'd do…

Tonya: We all heard you Dan.

Dan: All right, all right. Now you know what, I’ve had it with these e-mails. Erm, they don’t have that personal touch that I like. You know, I like kinda reaching out and touch…let’s take a phone call! Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line 15. Bill. From Frederick, Maryland.

Dan: Ah, Bill. Bill, this is DJ Dan, are you on the line?

Bill: Hello, how’s it going?

Dan: It’s going great Bill. If you have questions, musings, or answers, I’d be very happy to hear them.

Bill: Well this is Lhorse007 from the Lost Experience Clues, anyway.

Dan: Oh excellent. So you’re, you’re part of this so-called alternate reality? You’re playing into it? Come on man, why don’t you call it the “Reality Clues," okay? What you got to say, come on, let’s hear it.

Bill: Well, er, I’ve been wondering if Rachel really is Persephone.

Dan: You know what, you know what. When she gets here, I’m gonna put a rest to that once and for all okay. I believe that this woman is Persephone. I know this to be a fact. I’ve talked to her about it. She’s gonna take to me about it in mere minutes.

Bill: Do you think she’s the original Persephone, though?

Dan: I, I think that there’s really only… Look this is the woman who’s on a very focused quest right here, I mean I don’t think only one, I think this is something that only one person does, I think this is an act of obsession bordering on beautiful, seductive mania. In fact, okay, and I think that Rachel orchestrated this whole thing. I think I’ve already given my theory in one of my live broadcasts, when I have said that just because Rachel maybe isn’t as good at the espionage stuff okay, doesn’t mean that she’s not a great hacker okay, or vice versa. I think that there is, you know, I think that you have to be fair about the fact that not everybody’s skill set at every point in their life is exactly the greatest. Why do you think she’s not Persephone?

Bill: I think the original Persephone was the one that was, you know, hacking the site and everything and perhaps Hanso was getting too close to her so Rachel decided to come out and say she was Persephone, so the other Persephone could, you know…

Dan: You know what, you know what, I, I’m not going to shut you down, and I would shut down normally anybody who calls, I shut down every call, I’m just gonna say… I will ask Rachel that myself when she’s here in a little while okay. That’s what I’m gonna do.

Bill: Thank you.

Dan: Thank you very much for your call, next call. Who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 7, Joe from Bristol.

Dan: Joe from Bristol. Bristol ah, Bristol, ah, Oregon? Are we talking about Bristol in Blighty my friend?

Tonya: Connecti…

Joe: Connecticut.

Dan: Bristol, Connecticut. Oh, I thought you were one of our friends across the pond but I still love you dearly. What you got for me, boy?

Joe: I have a question for you DJ Dan.

Dan: Let's hear it.

Joe: How’s it feel?

Dan: (Laughs) How’s what feel?

Joe: Being SHUTDOWN! (Hangs up.)

(All laugh loudly)

Johnny: You know what, can I just say something?

Dan: Yes, go ahead.

Johnny: He didn’t have the sound effect, so that’s not an official shutdown.

Dan: You know what, I…you know how it feels? Not as good as if you were to say…SHUTDOWN!

Johnny: Oh, er, ah.

Dan: Well apparently I don’t have sound effects either.

Johnny: No there it is, there it is.

Dan: Oh well you know what, a man has gotten his vengeance on me, oh no! I’m crushed! I’m so crushed, I’ve been shut down, it’s the worst thing ever! Put somebody else on for the love of god. My god.

Tonya: Line 16. Jeff from New Jersey.

Dan: Okay now, Chuck from Austin, if you’re out there, please call me, I wanna know what you had to say. Jeff, you're on the air with DJ Dan.

Jeff: Hello? Hey, how're you doing?

Dan: It’s going great!

Jeff: Good, er.

Dan: What do you think I’m on? There’s a rumour on the Internet that I was apparently on crystal meth, well I’m not on crystal meth, what do you think I’m taking?

Jeff: I think you’re taking a lot of Red Bull.

Dan: I’m taking a lot of Red Bull, that’s right.

Jeff: Well that’s great though.

Dan: I’m dancing with the bull that is red, my friend, what you got for me?

Jeff: Ah, first I just wanna tell Johnny he did an awesome job with that recap, that was hilarious.

Dan: Well you know Johnny Johnny, angry Johnny, that’s right. We love the man.

Johnny: And I’m… Right back at you, son.

Dan: Johnny summarizes everything for me actually, I’ve had him summarize the Old Testament for me, he can do it in actually less than 30 seconds, its spectacular.

Johnny: Not a big reader!

Dan: No. What you got for me Jeff, let’s hear it.

Jeff; Erm, well I wanted to know what you thought about the er Valenzetti equation. Do you think it’s real? If it is do you think we can avoid the end of the world?

Dan: You know what, I dunno if we can avoid the end of the world, but I think this equation is real and the fact is, I think it is about high time that the Hanso Foundation release their iron grip on Gary Troup’s book, and on the equation itself, I think it's very clear that if a single executive of the Hanso Foundation can be moved to mobilise, to destroy a third of the world’s population with a virus because of what this equation has to say, then the only place where I’ll give Thomas Werner Mittelwerk any credit is to say if he believes it then maybe we should look at it, and I think that’s the whole point of this entire thing. If this thing is real, if this thing exists, it should be out there, it should be seen by everybody, it shouldn’t just be something that a few fat cat Swedes or Danes or whatever the hell they are, are gonna hold onto, while we the rest of them wait for them to save our lives, that’s all I’m saying about that.

Jeff: Rock on.

Dan: Thank you so much for your call, let’s take one more call, and then we’re gonna talk about something very near and dear to my heart before we take a break. Let’s take another call.

Tonya: Line 1.

Dan: Line 1!

Tonya: Nanny, from New Jersey again.

Dan: Nanny from New Jersey again, we’re very big in Jersey.

Johnny: Nanny?

Dan: Nanny are you there?

(Crickets sound effect)

Dan: Ah folks. Nanny. Did we make you wait too long? What happened?

Johnny: Past Nanny’s bedtime.

Dan: Alright, let’s get another call, let’s get another call. Who do we have?

Tonya: Line 15. Erika from New Jersey.

Dan: We are so huge in Jersey! If we were in Jersey it’d be spectacular. Sadly, we’re in California. Yes.

Tonya: Joi-sey

Erika: Hi, am I on?

Dan: Yes you’re on. You’re on the air with DJ Dan.

Erika: Oh wow. Hello.

Dan: And this is DJ Dan.

Erika: Hi.


Erika: Erm, so, when I was a…

Dan: Oh, okay, you're kinda, you’re breaking up, can you kinda…

Johnny: Please deposit 25 cents.


Dan: Okay, let’s hear it again very slowly cause I'm having trouble hearing you, lets try that again okay.

Erika: Okay. Can you hear me?

Dan: Yeah I can hear you great.

Erika: Alright when I was younger I was asked to take a test. And I was accepted into a programme. And, now that I’m older, I’m wondering if I have been brainwashed.

Dan: Really now, what are some of the signs that you’ve been brainwashed? Can you tell me? Do you speak in languages heretofore unknown to you?

Erika: I dunno but I’ve been having these weird dreams.

Dan: Yes and can you describe these dreams?

Johnny: In detail.

Erika: Well er, I would be er maybe running or, maybe on a computer.

Dan: Yes. Yes.

Erika: Really vague.

Dan: All right, all right, you know what, there’s something I wanna say to you, and listen to me very closely. SHUTDOWN! Oh yeah, folks, you know what folks, when I was younger, I took a test, right. And then I went to an academy, and then little green men trained me, and then I could shoot lightning bolts from my hand, and I don’t mean the dark side power lighting bolts, no. I mean the light side pow, power side lightning bolts called electric judgement, okay. That’s what I’m talking about. JEDI DAN! THAT’S WHO I AM! Okay, folks…

Johnny: (Does Darth Vader breathing)

Dan: I’ve had enough of this role-playing. Let’s have one more call, then there’s something I gotta talk about.


Johnny: Oh, then!

Tonya: Line… (Laughs). Line 7. Yoshiva the Sword Master from Bar Harbor, Maine.

Dan: Ah Maine, home of many a great Sword Master. Yoshiva the Sword Master, are you on the line?

Yoshiva: Yes, I am on the line.

Dan: I see, will you draw weapons against me or will you speak to me placidly?


Yoshiva: I er, don’t really wanna duel right now.

Dan: Excellent, we’re on the phone, it would be very cumbersome. What’s your question my friend, what you got to say to me?

Yoshiva: I’m I was just wondering erm, there’s a…

Johnny: Spit it out.

Yoshiva: A... Like, for example, the Retrievers of Truth. There’s all these Lost fans who found out the password before the Hanso Foundation did. I’m wondering if there’s something going on with that, if like they found out if…

Dan: Well of course they found out the password, they’re psychic dogs, they know everything. That’s the whole point, am I right?

(Lost title music plays)

Yoshiva: Well I’m wondering how they er…

Dan: Yeah yeah yeah, go ahead, ignore the sound effect. I know I do.


Yoshiva: I don’t get it, its just all this…

Dan: Okay, okay first of all there’s one thing that you should know before we go any further, which is, shutdown.


Dan: Okay, folks, guys. Retrievers of Truth, they’re supposedly psychic golden retrievers. They retrieve truth! If they’re talking about what they really are, then truth is being retrieved by these dogs. They know stuff before we do. Great TV series by the way, they can do. Folks, you know what erm. We’re gonna, we’re gonna have a song about the man and er, and then we’re gonna come back, for, for another segment. Folks, here's a song about the Man, we're going to be back in a few minutes, thank you very much.

("The Loner" by Neil Young plays)

continued on Part 2