DJ Dan July 10 transcript

DJ Dan Transcripts

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A= Announcer

D= DJ Dan

T= Tanya

C#= Callers 1-?

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A: Coming to you live from the bug planted in your head... [DJ DAN JINGLE] You're listening to DJ Dan, shutting down The Man.

D: Dan: Get your dialing fingers ready, Conspiraspies--it's time for our first brand new spanking series: "Where's Alvar?" Now, if you've been following the work of our dream girl, whistle-blowing, investigative, whipper snapper Rachel Blake, who may or may not be the hacker Persephone - who in true Conspiraspy fashion literally shutdown the hanso foundation website then you know she is having a little bit of a problem. See, she is hitting a lot of dead ends, most of them circulating around the fact that she can't seem to locate the man with all the answers, the ring leader himself, Alvar Hanso. Tonya, where do you think Alvar Hanso is?

T: Er, standing right behind you?

D: Wha? Whoa! Right, almost gave me a heart attack, Tonya. I have one of those actual size cardboard cutouts of Hanso standing right back there in the corner, printed it from that Narvik photo. And Tonya knows I have a bad memory. Anyway, back to topic: I wanted to help Rachel find Hanso, so I thought to myself. Self, you've got a worldwide network of eager Conspiraspies and most of them have two very curious eyes, so I've decided to put those eyeballs to use, Conspiraspies. Have you seen Alvar Hanso? Have you had a run in with the man himself? Then give us a call, first caller? Brad from Michiana. [Mispronouncing]

C1: Michiana!

D: Where the hell is Michiana?

C1: Er, Southwest Michigan, North West Indiana, we are sparsely populated.

D: I can see why... Bradley, where's Alvar?

C1: I'm pretty sure I saw him at Mr. Cluck's, he was eating a family bucket, was all by himself.

D: Breasts? Or Legs and thighs?

C1: I think it was like thi...

D: SHUTDOWN! Billionaires do not eat legs and thighs! It's a fact, look it up. Andrew from the San Fernando valley. Like, totally, Andrew, where's Alvar?

C2: Dan, I was visiting a friend in the Santa Rosa hospital for the mentally ill and I could swear I saw a guy who looked just like Hanso talking to the doctors.

D: Intriguing , we know these guys are into the mentally ill. When was this, Andrew?

C2: Two months ago

D: Two months... SHUTDOWN!

Useful information only, people, Come on! Lindsey from NYC, you are on baby.

C3: Hey Dan, I was doing a photo shoot at a soccer stadium in LA and I swear Hanso was running a tour de stade.

D: And what in the holy heck fires is a tour de stade, Lindsey?

C3: It's where you run up and down all the stairs in a stadium.

D: SHUTDOWN! Recent estimates put Alvar Hanso at somewhere near 112 years old, I don't care what kind of life extension drugs they are pumping into the old boy. I couldn't run a tour de stade when I was twenty ok?

T: I think that might be more of an individual problem, DJ Dan.

D: Tonya, don't make me come into the producer's booth.

T: If we had a producers booth...

D: Yeah, sorry about that. Steve, from Florida...

C4: DJ Dan, you're awesome.

D: Well I know that, where's Alvar?

C4: Er, I know for a fact that he was taking applications at an army recruiting office in Tallahassee.

D: SHUTDOWN! Everybody knows there ain't nothing but strip clubs and waffle joints in Tallahassee. And Hanso doesn't strike me as a desperate man. Tony from San Fran, where's Alvar?

C5: I'm pretty sure I saw him in a hot air balloon.

D: Ok, that's a billionaire sport. Tell me, Tony where were you at the time?

C5: In a hot air balloon.

D: SHUTDOWN! Speaking of hot air! OK, lightning round: Just name the location--Nat from Raleigh: Go!

C6: Niagara Falls

D: American or Canadian side?

C6: Canadian?

D: SHUTDOWN! Kevin from Des Moines, where's Alvar?

C7: I'm pretty sure I saw him at a diner last night a few miles from here.

D: Populated or unpopulated road.

C7: Unpopulated.

D: Tonya, take down the info. Don from Athens, Georgia or Greece?

C8: Greece, by way of Georgia.

D: OK, now I'm really confused. Where's Alvar?

C8: Well, I heard from a friend he went to a faith-healer in Ayer's Rock in Australia.

D: On the fence with that; will have to go with SHUTDOWN! Hanso is The Man and The Man ain't vibing with the faith healers. OK, last call before the break: Nikolai from Philly, where's Alvar?

C9: [Russian accent] Hi DJ Dan, I'm frequent traveler and quite often in the VIP lounge of Oceanic Air, I have seen old European gentleman, absolutely fitting Hanso's description, always with drink in hand.

D: And this drink what was it?

C9: Looks like he drinks Manhattan.

D: SHUTDOWN! If you'd have said mineral water I would have bit. Well folks, our journey today was most likely fruitless, but keep those peepers peeled, and tune in two weeks from now for another edition of Wheeeeerrrrees WHOA! [Almost sounded like 'Walt'] Tonya! Help me get rid of this cardboard cutout! C’mon, c’mon. Let’s get it out of here. It’s freakin’ me out.

A: You're listening to DJ Dan, shutting down The Man.